Well, my enthusiasm is drying up. So much so that I completely forgot to write a review of last weeks GW28 (It was shit, that’s all you need to know) and I’m leaving this preview till 10pm on a Friday evening.

This is what happens when fortune is constantly in the favour of first place in the league and leaves everyone else hopelessly feeding off scraps in an attempt to finish 2nd, 3rd or 4th. Positions I can not get excited about. I want to come 1st! Fuck this shit.

Still. Another week, another transfer, another set of fixtures that look promising… we all know the drill by now. Everything is set up to be rosy yet it’ll all come crashing down. Case in point, in GW28, I have 10 (ten) players compared to just 4 (four) for the team in 2nd place… what happened? Joshua King happened and 4 players outscored 10. That killed it for me.

After that morbidly depressing introduction, shall I discuss my team this week? I’m sure you’re all eager to find out who not to put in your team…

The Defence

Don’t put, Aldin Jakupovic (away at Everton), Marcos Alonso (away at Stoke), Seamus Coleman (at home to Hull) or Winston Reid (at home to Leicester) in your team this week. None will get clean sheets. Stephen Ward (away at Sunderland) and Fabio (away at Man United), who I have on my bench will definitely score points. Oh and just for good measure, transfer Gareth McAuley into your team as well. Regardless of how West Brom do, he’ll bang in a hat trick.

My prediction? 4 own goals and 4 red cards. I can’t even think of how many minus points that would be so I’ll just go with a solid -10 points from the defence.

The Midfield

Again, don’t select Glyfi Sigurdsson (away at Bournemouth), Dele Alli (at home to Southampton) or Sadio Mane (away at Man City). They’ll do absolutely nothing for you. Do select Joshua King though. Do do that. Oh and definitely don’t bring in this weeks transfer Manuel Lanzini (at home to Leicester. He’s scored 35 points over his last 5 home matches for West Ham… so he’ll know doubt get shot by an angry fan when he calls the club a disgrace and refuse to play for them again leaving me with just 1 point.

Liverpool usually do very well against big teams, Spurs usually win at home, Leicester are still shit away from home which sets up a positive West Ham results and Swansea have picked up their form of late… so that means no goals. No assists. Own goals and red cards. Oh and season long injuries to them all. Prediction: -100 points.

The Strikers

Don’t pick Sergio Aguero (at home to Liverpool), Fernando Llorente (away at Bournemouth) or Romelu Lukaku (at home against Hull). You will be disappointed.

Prediction: Diego Costa will outscore them all on his own and naturally everyone will pick him in their team. Done.

Oh and Lukaku is Captain this week.

There is your preview. Now fuck off and do go something more worthwhile with your time instead of reading a Fantasy Football blog. Who even does that anymore? ( 😦 ).

NOTE: Some good news though, Aitor Karanka has fucked off back to Spain! Yes, after putting us Middlesbrough fans through one of the most boring Premier League campaigns to date, the Chairman had finally had enough. You can criticise the fans, you can criticise the hierarchy, you can criticise your medical staff, but as soon as you criticise Stewart Downing you’ve gone overboard. Thanks for getting us promoted (just might I add) but you were shit in the Prem. So fuck off you self righteous prick.