This week was going very very well. And as much as I still managed to finish in a strong position and whittle some points off the leader, it could have been even more were it not for Liverpool fucking up against West Ham and Sado Mane continuing to torment my team for not including him in. Honestly, I’m begging you Mane, please give me a break!


The Defence (Predicted: 20 points)

Let’s start with Ben Mee shall we? I was hoping for a disgusting 0-0 in the Burnley vs Bournemouth match, but it ended being 3-2. Not ideal for my clean sheet hopes, however, Mr Mee only went and got an assist! Returning a nice 4 points.

Artor Boruc, as mentioned above, did not get the clean sheet I was hoping for and also conceded 3 goals which meant he lost 1 point… The saving grace was that he got an extra point for the amount of saves he made in the match so finished with a standard 2 points.

With Chelsea playing West Brom, I was very hopeful of a clean sheet. Regardless of the upturn in form for West Brom, they haven’t really played any of the top teams. I felt they would stick 11 players behind the ball and defend for their lives trying to pull off a classic Tony Pulis. And that’s exactly what happened. Marcos Alonso showed little in terms of attacking threat, but did return the clean sheet and 6 points I was looking for.

And to finish off this section is Dejan Lovren. From keeping 2 consecutive clean sheets, to conceding 5 goals against Bournemouth and West Ham… brilliant. Oh and to top it off, he also got subbed before 60 minutes so returned a brilliantly horrendous total of 0 points.

I predicted a strong return for the defence this week, 20 points, and I was massively disappointed when I got only gathered 12 points. I might have to have a look at alternatives for certain players…

The Midfield

I made 2 transfers for this week and I was rewarded (by one of them at least). Glyfi Sigurdsson absolutely smashing Sunderland, bagging a goal and an assist to return 13 points. Get in there! When the matches started over the weekend, the outlook looked bleak but that was before the Icelandic talisman turned it on. Hopefully these kind of performances continue in the coming fixtures!

My captain choice of the week, Alexi Sanchez, was almost a tragedy. After smashing a hat-trick last weekend, I was hoping for more of the same, however, he could only manage an assist this week against Stoke but he took his time. Still a solid return of 10 points.

Roberto Firmino. What’s going on, mate? You’re now in position 1 in the “time to fuck off” transfer list, I just have to identify the perfect replacement… An appalling 1 points at home to West Ham, a team that leaks goals left right and centre and also stretches your run of games without a goal / assist to 4 games, not on mate. I think you’ve got 3 weeks to save yourself (Mainly because I need Liverpool cover otherwise you’d be gone now!), games against Middlesbrough, Everton and Stoke, I want 15 points in total at least otherwise you’re a gonna.

Well, Glyfi Sigurdsson certainly saved the midfield outcome this week. I predicted 25 points and was rewarded with 26 points, with half of those points coming from the Icelander. For some reason, only the Leopard’s Letdowns and the Gold Standard Liege have him in their teams so he was a huge differential. Long may it continue. 

The Strikers

Have to start with Victor Anichebe. This was his time to shine. Sunderland, who have been a solid and good for a goal lately, were up against a Swansea team that have conceded 16 goals in the last 5 games and also haven’t kept a clean sheet since a 0-0 against Watford. The match was set for goals for either side and where Swansea / Sigurdsson certainly cashed in on their side, Sunderland / Anichebe were nowhere to be seen. This was a terrible result for them that sees them drop to the bottom of the league, but more importantly, this was a terrible return for us Fantasy Football managers that had faith. 2 points.

In the toughest fixture of the week at Manchester United, Harry Kane was up against it from the start but I was still hopeful. United are difficult to beat recently but seem to concede late goals, and Spurs have found their scoring touch. So when the match finished 1-0 to United, I was a little disappointed, if it was somewhat expected in reality. A 2 point return is pretty standard, but it’s against Hull and Burnley where I’ll be expecting much more.

The man that just keeps giving, Mr Diego Costa. There isn’t a striker in fantasy football that is in better form than Costa right now . Any team that doesn’t have him gets hurt week in week out. In a very tight match against West Brom, it took a scrappy goal from Diego Costa to get Chelsea over the line 1-0. 6 points for Costa and he’s still not to pick up his 5th yellow card.

A somewhat disappointing return from the strikers this week. Predicted was 14 points but the total was only 12 points. Close to the predicted score, but disappointing Anichebe didn’t return more than 2 points

Bellend of the week award

It goes without saying this week, the Bellend of the week award goes to Dejan Lovren. Before this match, I would struggle to comprehend what it would take for a player to get 0 points against West Ham, but thanks for Lovrens performance this week, I know now what it takes and how the likelihood of it happening is much more real than I thought. Utterly disgraceful.You should be ashamed of yourself.

Fixtures are coming thick and fast and the next set start on Tuesday night. For the love of all that is holy, I need Mane to not play anymore games for the rest of time and for Firmino to start scoring again. I’ll start the ritual and begin with the sacrifices…

Pray for Firmino.