Where’s the Donald when I need him? I need someone to help me having a great gameweek again.

Game week 13 saw me fall further behind the leaders, moving from 52 to 62 but it could have been so very different.

It was Saturday morning and I was checking over my team (I never do this on a Saturday usually) and I see that the main man Sergio Aguero was still a doubt to start against Burnley. Pep had said all week that he was good to go but also said he was a doubt. I was on the hunt for the captain for this week and I had a vital decision to make.

Sergio is usually the guy but he was a doubt. So I looked elsewhere and my gaze fell on Alexis Sanchez, Arsenal vs Bournemouth. He hadn’t produced a solid points return for 2 matches now but they were against Spurs and Man United. This was against a Bournemouth side that were struggling away from home. I made my decision…

But there was a twist in the story. The emotional side of my brain got the better of me. Sunderland, scummy scummy Sunderland, were up against Liverpool at Anfield. OH MY GOD it’s only to be 6-0 and Firmino will score all of them. I changed my decision…

AND WHAT A DICKHEAD I WAS FOR DOING THAT BECAUSE FIRMINO WAS GARBAGE WHILST AGUERO AND SANCHEZ WERE RAMPANT.

So… let’s go into the negatives of this week (I need to end this blog on a positive or else I’m going to cry):

I’m going to exclude Ben Mee (1 point) and Jordan Pickford (2 point) out of my team review as they were up against Man City and Liverpool so I wasn’t expecting any points from either.

The rest of the defence:

Jonny Evans … You were up against Hull. Hull. Okay fine, that doesn’t guarantee a clean sheet, but did you have to get a yellow card? Did you? How did you end up on a shite 1 point but your partner at centre back, Gareth McAuley return 10 points?! Thanks for that. You bellend. There is a special ‘Bellend of the week’ otherwise you would be getting it!

Marcos Alonso: Okay, up against Spurs, I wasn’t expecting a clean sheet at all, especially now Harry Kane is back but after watching the highlights of the match, what I am most disappointed with is how there wasn’t at least an assist or a goal with the changes YOU had to score and others had to score from your pass. 2 points. Disappointing but only in hindsight. I was expecting this.

Half of midfield:

Eden Hazard: Where did you go mate? From being in the form of your life to spending 45 minutes looking at the Stamford Bridge crowd for good looking girls. You must have been told that the lass you picked out had a boyfriend at half time because you decided to spread your wings and do your football mating dance, regardless of the relationship status, because you improved in the 2nd half but still ultimately did fuck all. This is the 2nd match in a row that you haven’t done anything and next up is Man City away, just before a gluten of “easier” games so i’m not losing hope just yet, but you’re being watched. 2 points.

Yannick Bolasie: Well, is this hardly surprising? Everton have been shit this season and this is the 3rd game in a row where you haven’t done anything. Next up is Man United, followed by Watford and then Arsenal and Liverpool. Sorry bud, but it’s time for me to consider your place in the team. I’m not angry as you returned some good points, I’m just disappointed. 2 points.

Roberto Firmino(C): Fuck off.

The Positives:

Sergio Aguero: As much as the captaincy choice screwed me over, I am still glad for the solid points return. Bundling two goals in against Burnley and returning 3 bonus points for a total of 12 points.

Alexis Sanchez: My vice captain for the week and after watching him score 2 goals to put Bournemouth to the sword (Fuck you Eddie Howe), I was hoping for a freak injury to Firmino so he would become my stand in captain. Unfortunately that didn’t happen (See above) but I’m still happy to see him return some points. 14 points.

Erik Pieters: Brought in last week for his fellow Stoke player and in 2 weeks has returned an average of 4 points as this week he kept out a Watford side who, for some divine reason, had been cleaning up the league. Seriously, have people watched Watford play? They’re dogshit! Have their fans been offering sacrifices to the footballing Gods or something? Still, Erik Pieters, top work and a solid 6 points in return.

Diego Costa: For the fourth week in a row, the Mad Dog Costa, provided for the Letdowns. He was the architect for Chelsea’s second goal against Spurs and it’s another 90 minutes where he didn’t pick up a yellow card (He needs 1 more to be suspended for a game). It could have been much much more as he missed a good chance and also provided a good chance to Marcos Alonso (who thought he was playing rugby) but Diego, you’re still a beaut. 5 points.

Summary

So, overall, my team returned 53 points which was 7 points above the average (Global average) but it could have been so great. I missed out on an additional 11 points for my last minute change of captaincy from Sanchez to Firmino, which would have pushed me up 1 position and dug further into 3rd and 4th. 1st would have still pulled away, but the difference would have been less…

So on that note, this weeks ‘BELLEND OF THE WEEK’ goes to none other, than yours truly: Chris LeopardI’m now off to speak to some Watford fans to find out who I need to sacrifice to move up the league.